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Permalink Reply by Kade on February 5, 2011 at 7:04am

I get mad at the stupidest things ever. haha. To solve it: stay away from people that do this to me? 

 

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Permalink Reply by Danface on February 5, 2011 at 7:30am

i guess apathy leading to inaction would be my biggest downfall. although i can smile when things're good for me, when they're not... i just don't really feel like most things matter all that much... same with others when they achieve something / something bad happens to them... typical reactions always feel so false (congratulating / mourning / taking pity), all just formalities :/ and yet i still find myself acting them out just to make people feel good... it feels stupid...

failures and problems are learning experiences, and i'm all for trying to help others if i can... i just don't don't really care all that much either way, as if helping is just something to entertain me for a while. as for myself, i never usually see things as problems in the first place... and so nothing much ever really changes for me. always trying to understand things, but ultimately a little too passive of my surroundings.

 

dealing with it? rather than just 'doing stuff', i'd like to learn to feel enthusiastic again... an internal one... right now i feel enthusiasm in small bursts for things new & amazing to me, often making me want to learn new things, but then once i do... it just doesn't feel any different. i think to myself i'd like to find something i care about, but even then... that thought makes me 'meh'... i suppose it's all more to do with what's inside me, than what's out there...

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Permalink Reply by Nicko on February 5, 2011 at 9:36am

My biggest flaw? I think I'm emotionally cold or even emotionally dead.

Its very hard to explain and I'm confused by it myself, this is the fourth time I'm re-writing this to try and make it understandable and to make it add up, even tho at some parts I just cant get it to add up.

I find it hard to care about myself and my own well-being and I feel emotionally cold inside, I started noticing this about myself a few years back, around 2008, I were still living at my childhood home. Me and my stepdad had/have a _really_ tense realationship, everytime we were in the same room together we'd start fighting. And it had been like that since I were 10years old. And I've felt true hate towards that man since then aswell.

When I were 10 my entire family were out skiing at the hill a few hundred yards away from our house, I dont remember what happend but I remember that it were my fault, my stepdad suddenly took off and went home angry as hell, saying shit to my mother making her cry, he started packing a bag of clothes and made her beg him to stay while he got even angrier at her for crying, called my mother shitty things then took off.He came back the day after and sorted things out, apolagized and all that sorts of clishè bullshit.

Now similar situations to this has happend .. 7-8 more times after that episode and they always happend right after I had gotten into trouble / done something stupid.

So I had tremendous rage for this man hurting my moms like that, at the same time being too scared to confront him about it since I were afraid he'd leave my moms, leaving her to raise my two younger siblings by herself. And he both were and is good with them so theres not like I should've risked it either.Late october 2008 we had one of the more serious kind of fights ending with me packing my bag and taking off, I stayed with my grandmother down in Oslo for about 2months while trying to get a job since I had to drop out of school.During those 2months my mother begged me to come home, and had made my stepdad promise to act better towards me.I ended up saying ok to coming back home, but I gave my stepdad a warning before I moved back that if he ever pulled that shit again I'd leave for good.

Few months went, spring came and things were going fine, I had a job at a gas-station which I were makin' enough money off to feed myself and pay for my driving-lessons, I were working out daily to get into shape before heading off for the army when the summer arrived.

One day right after coming back from the gym I heard my stepdad pull his car into the garage. I tied the dog up to the porch out back and went upstairs and hit the shower. When I got out of the shower and into my room I noticed that my computer equipment had been smashed to pieces, bookshelfs tipped over, clothes pulled out of the closet and thrown all over the room.So I ran outside and asked him what the fuck his problem is, he charged towards me commanded me to stand still before throwing me into the ground. To make it short, it ends with me knocking him out with the backside of my air-rifle for so to pack my bag yet again, call my friend and take off.

Ever since that day I've had a hard time caring about alot of stuff, including my own well being.I've been robbed once, and attempted robbed 2times more with knives, I've had a guy sitting ontop of me about to put a knife into my chest, but avoided it by stabbing him in the leg with my own instead. And I slept at a construction-site with homeless people, slept like a baby after some of these incidents.

I remember during a robbery-course I were signed up for while working at that gas-station, the guy holding the course said that after having been robbed its completely normal to having trouble sleeping, being anxious, nervous and even burst out crying in the weeks following.. and as a matter of fact, if ur not experiencing any of this symptoms of post-traumatic stress you have another diagnoisis, and its called psychopath.This is when I first started being suspicious towards myself, am I a psychopath? then I thought no, that cant be cause I care about my friends and my family, and I'd do anything for them, atleast I like to think that I'd do anything for them.

So I've been conflicted about this, whats wrong with me? why do I feel this way, am I the hero type? No, sure I've jumped into situations before that could've proven fatal, but I've also ended up standing scared shitless, too afraid to jump after when a friend of mine landed wrong after jumping from the 12m cliff where we go swimming.

And now to make it all even more confusing, I've just recently learned that my mother has been dianosed with a brain hemorrage alittle smaller then the size of an golf-ball, something that can prove to be fatal, there is a big chance of it to be honest.As she told me about this over the phone I automatically and/or subconsciousli accepted that she might be dying soon without feeling sad or anything like that... and at the same time I do care about my friends and family and I'd still do anything for them, or so I'd like to think.

Anyone think they know something that can help me understand this?

btw as it might be abit unclear, this is infact related to the topic because its not just my mother, its other people aswell.I find it very hard to care about them even tho at the same time I want to help them if I can and if they need it.One of my principles is that I am who I am and will not act otherwise, I believe in honesty. But how can I be honest about not being sad about the news that my own mother might die soon? How can I be honest, telling close ones that I wouldnt be sad if something deadly happend to them?


As I mentioned at the start, I find this very hard to explain but I'm pretty sure this is my characters biggest flaw.. or alteast I sure as hell hope it is >br/>

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Permalink Reply by Priit on February 5, 2011 at 12:22pm

I'm not expert on this, but I think it might have a lot to do with how many emotionally wrecking experiences you have had. It can make one quite numb. I see it as a defense mechanism of human psyche.

I believe I have experienced a similar state for similar reasons. What got me out of this emotional numbness (at least partially anyways, since it's a process), was meditation - it can help one see things as they really are and give insights on ones own situation.

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Permalink Reply by Danface on February 5, 2011 at 12:23pm

this'll probably be a pretty trivial reply, and won't help all that much... just figured i'd mention i feel the same way about a lot of the stuff you just said ^^ (although you've had some FAR worse experiences than i have).

i think the biggest flaw people who think this way can have, is to be confused by themselves... imo, a 'cold' reaction to news of death is just logic playing a bigger part than emotion... especially a system of logic honed by bad experiences in the past... i guess there's just a point where people ask themselves what they should feel bad about and why... and although there'll still likely be a little emotional struggle inside everyone, some people can just let go better than others ^^ perhaps in convincing themselves that when it comes to death, there's no escape, nor anything anyone can do about it once it happens... feeling bad doesn't do anything but make us miserable :P mourning the dead to me, is the same as praying to god... depending on your beliefs, it's all completely pointless. (i know of a few people who feel similarly btw)

(edit* also, i suppose it's important not to convey this same passive outlook onto everything else in your life... which is something i think i do? accepting when bad stuff happens that you can't do anything about and moving on is great... but accepting 'bad' things that you CAN do something about :/... if you truly don't care then fine... there's just this thought that, things could be a lot better if you wanted them to be...)

 

also, about explaining your feelings towards the death of someone ^^ this is what i meant by feeling confused up top... it doesn't have to be awkward to explain imo, i've wound up explaining the same thing to my mom and to one of my uncle's now... that weird look on their faces when you ask them why you should mourn ^^...

to me, being near indifferent to a person's death isn't the same as not caring for them when they're alive... valuing family / friends is all good and well when they're here ^^ but once they're dead, that's it :| no amount of caring will bring them back. so long as any feelings truly are under control, and they're not just being bottled up... i say you're saving yourself a lot of misery ^^ respect life, not death.

 

although i don't really know if i have 'friends' or not, i can also relate in wanting to help people when and wherever they might need it. unsure if i'm just looking for gratitude / something to fill a void or perhaps... but to me it just feels like a kind of passive desire to help people who aren't assholes ^^ it doesn't so much matter to me what their problems are, nor who they are... so long as they're in need, there's just this urge to try pointing them in a way i think might help sometimes... whether it works or not *shrugs* ^^... honestly, although short-lived, it feels like the only way i can have an interesting bond with anyone anymore... solving problems / understanding things can be interesting ^^ conversation on the other hand is mostly a bit ':/'

 

for a person who's emotionally dead though, it sounds as if there's an unhealthy amount of anger you feel for that stepfather ^^ whether you can take comfort in that or not i don't know... but it seems to me there's definitely hope if you're looking for proof you're not completely whacked out... ie, you can still be affected emotionally, it's just on the wrong end of the scale is all </3

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Permalink Reply by Simon 'Iceyed' Cleopatros on February 5, 2011 at 12:54pm

Woah major life story. I just wanted to say I agree on most levels with what you're saying, but you should also take into account that mourning someone is a natural response. It's like permanently missing a dear friend or family member in this case and there is nothing wrong with taking your time to process that sense of loss. Cause bottling it up can create some serious problems. Now on a simillar note I did the same when my dog died, I loved that animal more deeply compared to most people in my life. Probably because of the unconventional loyalty and love I got from it, sounds sad, but imo thats the greatest thing about animals when compared to people :p So when he killed another dog, a smaller ugly little mut, my mother wanted to have it put to sleep =/ I said my goodbyes to the dog, patted him a few times, then I went upstairs and let it go. Nothing to be done about it. It's a sad thing, but life goes on and being tied down in the past longer than necessary is just not my way.

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Permalink Reply by Nicko on February 5, 2011 at 2:20pm

I honestly dont think I'm bottling up anything, I havent changed at all since I heard the news in even the slightest way, and its about a month ago now.

I might've gone to a specialist if I have had any cash, at this moment I cant even afford to go to the hairdresser=p


Also, whenever I feel depressed or sad I usualy focus it into a photoshop drawing or lyrics.
And by the very rare occausion that I get really depressed or really sad like on my birthday, it turns into anger which easily can be unleashed onto a wall =P

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Permalink Reply by Nicko on February 5, 2011 at 2:07pm

omg I wish I had written this earlier.. everyone has said something that I can relate to in this matter.
Yes, I am a very logical and rational person, and one of my principles is  "out of my hands, out of my mind"
and when I think about it, I think i subcounsiously told myself to accept death as a part of life after I ran off for the last time.. just never thought it would work to such an effect that I wouldnt feel sad hearing that sort of news from my moms..

And what priit says about numbness makes total sense to me aswell, you punch your arm long enough it goes numb, if ur feelings gets punched enough it would make sense that they would go numb aswell.

And about the realationship between me and my moms, its another story of which I'm not gonna waste more of ur time with but I've got nothing but tons n tons of respect for that woman. All she's been through raising me up through the years, aswell as taking care of the house, my siblings and workin' physical labour 8-4, since my stepdad was&is working 16hour shifts. yet now 21years later she's still at it with the same tempo.

Also tho, what Simon said about his dog experience made me think of something.
When I were 4 we bought 2 dogs, and I loved those 2 dogs so much I remember I did alittle experiment when I was like 6-7years old and tried to imagine that one of them was getting tortured. I actually started crying just by that. When the first one died I were depressed for about a month, I were 12 at the time. However when the second one died 9months later.. I were home alone watching tv in the livingroom as he were laying on the floor underneath the livingroom table. Suddenly he starts coughing really bad and I move the table to have a look at him, he tried to get up, then suddenly collapses and blood is floating out of his mouth and nose. I didnt feel anything at that time, only thing I were thinking is that I should call my moms and tell her what happend so that she could come home and help me clean it up.
"edit: the only reasonable explanation I can come up with is that I had already accepted death as a part of life after my first dog's death.. but I were only 12 at that time, I were still terrified of dying"

What do you think that mean? thats the dog I started crying over by just imagining it being tortured a few year earlier, and it hadnt really gone that far with my stepfather yet.
We discovered that he died of lungcancer btw, if anyone were wondering.

One thing tho, I dont have any ammount of anger towards my stepfather anymore, as a matter of fact since that day I havent been angry once. I mean I've been annoyed a few times but thats it, I've never gotten angry. 

"ninjaedit: I do actually get angry sometimes, but not at anyone. Only times I get angry is when I'm really depressed, but thats 1-2 times a year at max"


Thank you all for replies, I truely appreciate it, something I rarely do =P

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Permalink Reply by the.tiny.dreameater on February 5, 2011 at 1:06pm

I had the same thing for a few years also, I didn't really care much for my inner family, even though if something would happen to them I would do everything in my power to prevent it. I'm sure you're not a psychopath. That you want to help other people means you're basically good at heart, but you can be this and at the same time being emotionally detached. 

I don't know how you feel about death, but when my grandmother who was like the head of the family died 2 years ago, I didn't feel like crying. Even though I had a special bond with her, which everyone knew about. But most of my outer family is so fake, they talk and act superficially, and when my grandmother was lying on her deathbed, everyone looked to me for some sort of guidance for some reason. And I didn't feel like crying, I knew this was gonna happen, I already prepared myself for this kind of situation, so I felt kinda bad that I couldn't cry leaving everyone else thinking I didn't care much about her or couldn't feel anything. I thought it was okay for my grandmother to die. I knew she had had a great life, and everything was in order, this is just how it goes. So I only cared about giving her the best takeoff she could get, which was pretty hard in that room with all those people talking about stupid shit. I think people have very different ways of handling death, and everything should be accepted.

Now I feel different about my inner family because in the more recent years I begun spending more time and actually talking a lot to them getting to know both my parents anew, and in a different way, as I can relate to adultery, and this gave me a stronger connection to them. I often feel like adults treat kids like they are stupid or lesser beings, while you should talk to kids as you talk to any person and try to relate, it's the only way to get to know one another.. but I cried like twice in the past 3 years, and I don't get to feel much, so everytime I get to feel something true and honest even if it's tragic or wonderful, I appreciate the feeling with all my heart since it makes me feel so alive, it matters so much to me. What brings emotion to me is deep connections between people, which only comes if you go naked (mentally), which might be hard for you to do if you are put in a harsh environment, since it's not very practical. You shouldn't be afraid that you are cold, because people who are truly cold they don't know. You just being aware, and considering it's your flaw, I'm certain you'll find a way to get to feel again.

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Permalink Reply by sXe SeekerScorpio on February 5, 2011 at 9:45am

My biggest character flaw would have to be my pride. Their are some cases were I just don't like people thinking they're right when they're no where near 100% accurate and I feel the need to tell them they're wrong. This is not be misconstrued with getting the last word in, but just not having people think they're right.Also, I have a tendency of not like being corrected by people I usually think lesser of (they have to do a lot of the things on the "You're really a pos or not worth my time list") correcting me in something i have valid evidence and willing to provide it and they still don't listen and try to push their nonsense.

 

For the first part, I could just bite my tongue more, which I have been recently. 2nd one, I could walk away from them if they still want to keep trying to correct me so it won't infuriate me when they keep trying to correct something that isn't wrong. Yes I do double check if my information is wrong, and only 2 cases where it actually was out of tons and tons of scenarios I've been in.

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Permalink Reply by Simon 'Iceyed' Cleopatros on February 5, 2011 at 11:46am

APATHY ofcourse, and then there's also my incapability to organize shit, follow structure; tbh my life is often in chaos, but thats ok cause I'm apathetic most of the time anyway ^^

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Permalink Reply by Navi Bajwa on February 5, 2011 at 6:31pm

Procrastination! 

I always tell myself I'll do things, but a lot of times i don't act on those thoughts. I'm working on it though :)

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