Scientific Research & Self-Development Activism
I get mad at the stupidest things ever. haha. To solve it: stay away from people that do this to me?
i guess apathy leading to inaction would be my biggest downfall. although i can smile when things're good for me, when they're not... i just don't really feel like most things matter all that much... same with others when they achieve something / something bad happens to them... typical reactions always feel so false (congratulating / mourning / taking pity), all just formalities :/ and yet i still find myself acting them out just to make people feel good... it feels stupid...
failures and problems are learning experiences, and i'm all for trying to help others if i can... i just don't don't really care all that much either way, as if helping is just something to entertain me for a while. as for myself, i never usually see things as problems in the first place... and so nothing much ever really changes for me. always trying to understand things, but ultimately a little too passive of my surroundings.
dealing with it? rather than just 'doing stuff', i'd like to learn to feel enthusiastic again... an internal one... right now i feel enthusiasm in small bursts for things new & amazing to me, often making me want to learn new things, but then once i do... it just doesn't feel any different. i think to myself i'd like to find something i care about, but even then... that thought makes me 'meh'... i suppose it's all more to do with what's inside me, than what's out there...
I'm not expert on this, but I think it might have a lot to do with how many emotionally wrecking experiences you have had. It can make one quite numb. I see it as a defense mechanism of human psyche.
I believe I have experienced a similar state for similar reasons. What got me out of this emotional numbness (at least partially anyways, since it's a process), was meditation - it can help one see things as they really are and give insights on ones own situation.
this'll probably be a pretty trivial reply, and won't help all that much... just figured i'd mention i feel the same way about a lot of the stuff you just said ^^ (although you've had some FAR worse experiences than i have).
i think the biggest flaw people who think this way can have, is to be confused by themselves... imo, a 'cold' reaction to news of death is just logic playing a bigger part than emotion... especially a system of logic honed by bad experiences in the past... i guess there's just a point where people ask themselves what they should feel bad about and why... and although there'll still likely be a little emotional struggle inside everyone, some people can just let go better than others ^^ perhaps in convincing themselves that when it comes to death, there's no escape, nor anything anyone can do about it once it happens... feeling bad doesn't do anything but make us miserable :P mourning the dead to me, is the same as praying to god... depending on your beliefs, it's all completely pointless. (i know of a few people who feel similarly btw)
(edit* also, i suppose it's important not to convey this same passive outlook onto everything else in your life... which is something i think i do? accepting when bad stuff happens that you can't do anything about and moving on is great... but accepting 'bad' things that you CAN do something about :/... if you truly don't care then fine... there's just this thought that, things could be a lot better if you wanted them to be...)
also, about explaining your feelings towards the death of someone ^^ this is what i meant by feeling confused up top... it doesn't have to be awkward to explain imo, i've wound up explaining the same thing to my mom and to one of my uncle's now... that weird look on their faces when you ask them why you should mourn ^^...
to me, being near indifferent to a person's death isn't the same as not caring for them when they're alive... valuing family / friends is all good and well when they're here ^^ but once they're dead, that's it :| no amount of caring will bring them back. so long as any feelings truly are under control, and they're not just being bottled up... i say you're saving yourself a lot of misery ^^ respect life, not death.
although i don't really know if i have 'friends' or not, i can also relate in wanting to help people when and wherever they might need it. unsure if i'm just looking for gratitude / something to fill a void or perhaps... but to me it just feels like a kind of passive desire to help people who aren't assholes ^^ it doesn't so much matter to me what their problems are, nor who they are... so long as they're in need, there's just this urge to try pointing them in a way i think might help sometimes... whether it works or not *shrugs* ^^... honestly, although short-lived, it feels like the only way i can have an interesting bond with anyone anymore... solving problems / understanding things can be interesting ^^ conversation on the other hand is mostly a bit ':/'
for a person who's emotionally dead though, it sounds as if there's an unhealthy amount of anger you feel for that stepfather ^^ whether you can take comfort in that or not i don't know... but it seems to me there's definitely hope if you're looking for proof you're not completely whacked out... ie, you can still be affected emotionally, it's just on the wrong end of the scale is all </3
Woah major life story. I just wanted to say I agree on most levels with what you're saying, but you should also take into account that mourning someone is a natural response. It's like permanently missing a dear friend or family member in this case and there is nothing wrong with taking your time to process that sense of loss. Cause bottling it up can create some serious problems. Now on a simillar note I did the same when my dog died, I loved that animal more deeply compared to most people in my life. Probably because of the unconventional loyalty and love I got from it, sounds sad, but imo thats the greatest thing about animals when compared to people :p So when he killed another dog, a smaller ugly little mut, my mother wanted to have it put to sleep =/ I said my goodbyes to the dog, patted him a few times, then I went upstairs and let it go. Nothing to be done about it. It's a sad thing, but life goes on and being tied down in the past longer than necessary is just not my way.
I had the same thing for a few years also, I didn't really care much for my inner family, even though if something would happen to them I would do everything in my power to prevent it. I'm sure you're not a psychopath. That you want to help other people means you're basically good at heart, but you can be this and at the same time being emotionally detached.
I don't know how you feel about death, but when my grandmother who was like the head of the family died 2 years ago, I didn't feel like crying. Even though I had a special bond with her, which everyone knew about. But most of my outer family is so fake, they talk and act superficially, and when my grandmother was lying on her deathbed, everyone looked to me for some sort of guidance for some reason. And I didn't feel like crying, I knew this was gonna happen, I already prepared myself for this kind of situation, so I felt kinda bad that I couldn't cry leaving everyone else thinking I didn't care much about her or couldn't feel anything. I thought it was okay for my grandmother to die. I knew she had had a great life, and everything was in order, this is just how it goes. So I only cared about giving her the best takeoff she could get, which was pretty hard in that room with all those people talking about stupid shit. I think people have very different ways of handling death, and everything should be accepted.
Now I feel different about my inner family because in the more recent years I begun spending more time and actually talking a lot to them getting to know both my parents anew, and in a different way, as I can relate to adultery, and this gave me a stronger connection to them. I often feel like adults treat kids like they are stupid or lesser beings, while you should talk to kids as you talk to any person and try to relate, it's the only way to get to know one another.. but I cried like twice in the past 3 years, and I don't get to feel much, so everytime I get to feel something true and honest even if it's tragic or wonderful, I appreciate the feeling with all my heart since it makes me feel so alive, it matters so much to me. What brings emotion to me is deep connections between people, which only comes if you go naked (mentally), which might be hard for you to do if you are put in a harsh environment, since it's not very practical. You shouldn't be afraid that you are cold, because people who are truly cold they don't know. You just being aware, and considering it's your flaw, I'm certain you'll find a way to get to feel again.
My biggest character flaw would have to be my pride. Their are some cases were I just don't like people thinking they're right when they're no where near 100% accurate and I feel the need to tell them they're wrong. This is not be misconstrued with getting the last word in, but just not having people think they're right.Also, I have a tendency of not like being corrected by people I usually think lesser of (they have to do a lot of the things on the "You're really a pos or not worth my time list") correcting me in something i have valid evidence and willing to provide it and they still don't listen and try to push their nonsense.
For the first part, I could just bite my tongue more, which I have been recently. 2nd one, I could walk away from them if they still want to keep trying to correct me so it won't infuriate me when they keep trying to correct something that isn't wrong. Yes I do double check if my information is wrong, and only 2 cases where it actually was out of tons and tons of scenarios I've been in.
I always tell myself I'll do things, but a lot of times i don't act on those thoughts. I'm working on it though :)