Comment by SparTom007 - Tom on August 4, 2012 at 2:34pm

I loved "special study"

Comment by Isaac Renshaw on August 4, 2012 at 3:16pm

thanks, I had a lot of fun with that one.

Comment by Sorlaize on August 5, 2012 at 2:07am

thanks, these are interesting

I got a little inspired after reading the first one, so I wrote this-


A government face brings Jesus freaks
Stepping along the carpet, howling
For someone's attention
Or, a chance to be validated

Dim doorway lineup to a dank abandoned factory
Makes meek of those out to enjoy themselves
On a cold Friday night, versus single bouncer:
It's a social thing.

Children play in shops
But the adults must walk in file;
Take it seriously;
And spend their money someone else's way

When each day's done
The common events unfold:
Don't drink too much; don't fight;
Let the TV sink in at night.

Comment by Isaac Renshaw on August 6, 2012 at 12:33pm

Just read this (@Sorlaize). I am excite. Got to go to work now, will tell you how much I liked it when I get back.

Comment by Isaac Renshaw on August 6, 2012 at 8:33pm

@Solarise: this is pretty dark dude. Like, yeah. I do like the way you worked the images. That first one (of mie) is actually a differentiated verson of it's predecessor, I don't know if you did that but I like the use of the objective to point to stuff. It's like you're using the images of the real word and bringing them into the poetry (like here, "On a cold Friday night, versus single bouncer: / It's a social thing." <- I like that a lot). But yeah, pretty dark. I think it's a very smart tone and adds to the over-riding theme. Have you thought about re-writing it? (just spit balling, but a satyric tone will add dramatic irony and if you threw in some ultimate set rythm as well you could make it sound like the 'big brother' tv screen talk at the shambling masses: "you will do this!" kind of thing.)

Also, a question, why did you put no quotation marks after the first and fourth stanza. Not a criticism, just curious.

Comment by Sorlaize on August 7, 2012 at 1:09am

@Isaac Renshaw

I have some more here if you want to read and maybe give me some constructive criticism, that would be great!
http://allpoetry.com/poems/by/Sorlaize

I'm not too familiar with describing poetry, but that line about the bouncer is supposed to make you think about the absurdity that people line up because one single guy is standing there. In a primiitive, violence/physical context. But the poem is called "Absurdity of freedom" because generally it's about how people don't really use freedom.. and I thought I might add "and you say we're free", or so, at the end.. I'm not sure as to forming a coherent/strong message, with this poem.

I really use objectified thought, it's good.. but I recently did a poem about depression, and it's about the very human things your mind goes through as opposed to logic.

Thanks for the tips, I'll think about working on it some more.

About the quotations- where? I can only see that I'd do: "It's a social thing."
Because I am analyzing society in this poem.

Comment by Isaac Renshaw on August 7, 2012 at 9:03pm

Not quotation marks, punctuation...yeah...yeah...that's what I meant. For sure.

Comment by Sorlaize on August 7, 2012 at 11:17pm

oh, it's done for effect. Maybe It doesn't work so well..

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