I thought I'd break away from my usual trend in blogging and try something new. What follows is a second draft of an apology letter to my cousin that betrayed me.

Sarah,

I just wanted to write you an apology letter for the situation with the letters I sent you. I have been having reoccurring dreams about apologizing to you ever since I was able to forgive you in 2011. I thought this might help. Before I begin though, I want to thank you for helping me forgive you. Now you are probably confused by this so I'll explain. You helped me by being the only one of your siblings who wasn't giving me some condescending look at Nana's funeral. I was very impressed by your behavior toward me especially after my antics getting the door for you. I do apologize for that as well. It was simply a retaliatory action for you ignoring the message I sent you in 2007. That was actually the only time I can think of when you were rude to me. You were very kind to me on that fateful visit in 2004 and I thank you for that. You do seem like the black sheep of your family. I do not detect the snobbish attitude from you that I get from most of the rest of your family. I know there is nothing I can do to undo the past no matter how hard I try and despite my skill with the English language, nothing I could possibly articulate could even come close to expressing how deeply sorry I am that it played out the way it did. I also want you to know that what you saw in those letters isn’t really who I am. It is simply the darkness within me, the same darkness that is within us all.

            Family is something that is extremely important to me and I couldn’t stand how distant our family was. That was one of the reasons I contacted you was to try to salvage the family. I now see how hopeless it is. Another more obvious reason was that those letters were a cry for help. I was in a very dark place in high school, though this darkness seems to deepen as time goes on. I didn’t know what to do so I turned to you. My mother tells me that she had talked to you about the situation and you told her that you were sorry you couldn’t help me and that you were scared for me and my family. I do wish you had told me this in 2007. It would have saved both of us a lot of trouble. I held a lot of resentment for the situation and had an extremely hostile attitude towards you to say the very least. I apologize for that as well. I just want you to know that I never stopped caring about you and your family and that is how I came to forgive you all.

I wish you the all the best in life and that you live a happy life. If you would like to respond to this apology just talk with my mom. She knows where to find me. If you do not wish to respond I won’t hold it against you. I have forgiven you but I have a very long way to forgiving myself.

I am deeply grieved by what I have done and for all of it I am very sorry. I hope you can forgive me some day.

Your cousin,

Dylan