Scientific Research & Self-Development Activism
Lately, I've been feeling like I've been through a rollercoaster of emotion. In other words, I've been feeling emotionally strained. Maybe it's how I think too much about things. I don't know source of these emotions that I feel. So I decided to keep track of the emotions I feel on a daily basis. I would feel a little bit of joy and sometimes sadness, which are dominated by anxiousness. A majority of them fall under Anger: irritation, bitterness, frustration.
Anger is tiring. I'm irritated by people telling me that they know me better than I know myself. I'm tired of bullshit games that people play with each other and people (including friends of mine) telling me that they know what's best for me. No fucking wonder I'm a recluse. Now that I think about it, I still have some issues with self-hate. There are times I find myself so impatient with everyone around me. I can lash out at people from time to time. I've been angry at the world and how messed up it is, at society and it's rules, people, my parents...I've been angry at myself for letting other people try to change me, for letting others live their lives through me, for uselessly trying to live up to another's expectations, for not having courage to stand up for myself after all these years, for not achieving things that I had planned to achieve by now, and for feeling guilty doing my hobbies, which is the worst part of it all. I have it in my mind that I'm doing something wrong when I'm drawing or painting. I just want to enjoy Life. I just want to flow. Being angry prevents me from doing so. I'm my own worst enemy.
I'm tired of feeling this way. It drains my energy. I'm also pretty tired of carrying other peoples' emotional baggage. I don't need anymore drama or inhibitions. I find on some days when I become extremely restless, I am just tempted to take my old T.V. or some other electronic device that caused me frustration in the past, drag it outside and smash it with my fake, unsharpened katana with all the strength that I have just to let it all out. I feel my old aggression coming back again. I have grown up angry. I never thought that I would still be carrying so much anger. So far, I've just been running and exercising to get rid of that pent-up stress and aggression. I don't know how well it's been working. It seems that I can only try to be patient. If there is a God out there, just please give me some patience with Life right now. I've been trying to help myself out of this mess, but I'm not seeing any real significant changes. I don't want to keep depending on other people even though I appreciate their help. My goal is to eventually get the fuck out of this place and I want to go to someplace new far, far away from here.
I need to fix myself before I'm able to move on. Expand my experiences. I'm going to try to sign up for community service and volunteer work. Maybe I'll aquire a skill. I'm thinking Red Cross or Habitat for Humanity. Not sure. But I hate feeling useless and stuck or trapped within my thoughts. Even if I don't have a good paying job right now, at least volunteer work will keep me busy for a while doing something meaningful and fulfilling. So, I'll be pretty busy this summer doing what I need to do, removing myself from the people and places that are dragging me down.