Scientific Research & Self-Development Activism
This is a long post, for the important crap about why I won't be a regular visitor to I Power for the next couple of weeks, go to the bottom :)
In, what looks to be, less than a month from now, I'll be moving home. I've lived in quite a few places during my short life so far but this is gonna be the most significant.
One of the most significant aspects of this move for me personally is that I've only ever lived in, what's known in Britain as, "up North". I've always talked about how much I couldn't wait to be rid of this place but I do have my history here, a lot of which I'd like to forget, although without the bad experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today- and I'm oddly content with myself at the moment (although always striving to be better, perhaps something I wouldn't have done before). This map shows places I've lived (with the bare minimum of accuracy, eg the 3 places I lived in, in Prescot were within 5 minutes walk of each other).
The blue dot (bottom left) in Connah's Quay is from a time in my life where I would visit my biological father (as I have so chosen to demote him to) regularly for prolonged periods. Periods in which I would be extremely unhappy, depressed, sometimes even abused, hungry and unable to sleep. I've not contacted him in a few years now successfully but because of persistence from "his side of the family", some of the relatives I actually enjoyed company with to be distanced from myself. I'd say I regret it, but if it meant having to speak with my biological father again, then it was honestly worth it. Especially considering my current frame of reference where I realise I've been pushed away from most of my family since reaching "adulthood".
In this country, when you turn 18, you can buy cigarettes, learn to drive (at 17), buy alcohol, see/buy the highest restricted films, TV series and videogames and the government says it's legally alright for your family to basically drop you in the proverbial shit. The problem with my parents, or my mother probably, is pride, ego, stubbornness...
I sometimes wonder if I'd have been better off if she had just dropped me altogether instead of just emotionally, financially (sounds selfish but when starting out in the world, I thought parents were supposed to at least help their kids get on their feet) and communicatively. I'm outta the loop right now, I hardly speak to any of the people I live with: my mother, stepfather and younger sister. The younger sister is such a pain for reasons I cannot comprehend, most likely inheriting my mother's ADHD, psychotic tendencies and lack of empathy. It's a lot to go into here but I won't miss them more than visiting at Christmas and Easter...
Anyway, moving this post on to a lighter note, this is my fresh start that I'd been dreaming of for years. I'd tried it before, I thought moving to Liverpool at university would be a fresh start and thanks to the ridiculous bureaucratic bullshit that is student finance England, that neither started nor ended well.
I talk about projects a lot and never seem to end up even starting them. I'm more of a thinker a lot of times than a do-er I guess I could be seen as. But things have changed recently and I'm only getting better. It's been my greatest year in terms of getting over my fears, building up my confidence and learning how to be happy. I still struggle with depression now and again, I have quite a messed up sleeping pattern and I have an extreme sense of prejudice in the world that leads me to both depression and hope, but for the most part, a mix of disdain and slight hatred for the mediocre, mainstream, masses.
Tomorrow I have my first public collection which I've been raving about for days. I couldn't put up posters because I didn't have any way of printing them but I've made all my banners and stuff by hand and got my collection buckets ready and the legal contracts should be ready to be signed by my friends (and for this day, volunteers too).
This is a massive step for me now because I've made other people dependent on me, and I guess that was always my biggest push. I always pull through when someone else depends on me, and most times I let myself down, I've literally let myself down. In some ways it's admirable as it's the height of altruism, but in some ways it's just mindless self destructive tendencies that I should probably go talk about to some person who thinks they can empathise with people because they have a degree that says how to do so (not that I have much against most people who take such a noble path, I'm just keenly aware that the academic system is focused more on making money than actually teaching- they teach enough to get away with charging extortionate tuition fees).
Doing this massive (in terms of my self development) event tomorrow will do wonders for my sense of self. I don't just know what the "right path" is, but I'm setting foot on it, and it's gonna be a long and prosperous journey for me and the world because I'll only consider myself successful if I actually help people.
I have a few ideas ready that I can't really get to without a few things such as a steady stream of income (at the moment I don't have any "disposable income" for things I feel like I need such as a camera, decent microphone, lessons in certain things and admission to certain groups), a stable environment (right now, living here doesn't feel stable for me, I don't feel free at all, when I move, I will be free to do whatever I please without interruption or interference) and the freedom to make myself a new identity.
I guess in a way, and this is going to sound ridiculously pretentious, I could compare the need I feel for an identity to hide behind as that of a superhero. I want to do stunts like the Athene crew has done in the past but I don't want any fame for myself. I don't know how to explain it properly... I want to use some sort of identity as an engine to push my ideas on to the masses.
More ideas I have are just making entertaining and informative content, some are to build hype around the identity's success. Some ideas are based on the idea that anyone could do them, I might not even be the first to do them, but I will encourage others to do the same things, even then, they could take credit or give credit to whoever as it would be irrelevant because anyone could do it; yet the thing beind done would still be important.
There's a lot of things I can't do yet but thanks to knowing about the power of neuroplasticity and dedication, I know I will be able to do in future. Some things I can do, but perhaps lack the creativity to put ideas that use the skills; for example (again please excuse the pretentiousness), I can act, write, draw, drive gokarts pretty damn well (got a pro time on my 2nd time gokarting at a pro circuit (2nd time gokarting ever)).
When I get down there, I need money, just enough to get my solar panel project moving again, get a monthly gym membership, pay for trips to a gokarting circuit regularly, a rock climbing centre regularly and money saved towards doing events, my website and any other equipment I might need for anything I do.
I have a few ideas that might sound stupid but I'm just gonna try anyway. I don't watch TV anymore but now and again, I find out from friends or the internet, the kinda crap that people are watching and it makes almost any idea seem plausible, and sometimes stupid ideas even seem pretty damn clever.
So why is this post so long and boring and called "WhyPower"?
Well, I guess in a way, I just wanted to show off I guess and thank the site. I mean, I didn't even go into the situations I was in when I joined the site but I can genuinely say that this site has helped me more than any person, film or self help book ("how to gain friends and influence people" is the biggest load of bollocks ever unless you want to be a wall street banker and convince people you're human). I've met some amazing friends that I hope to know for a long time (although some have silly ideas like they won't be around for much longer lol I hope they're wrong anyway) and sincerely hope they do well in their endeavours too, because I know the things they desire are, for the most part, for the holistic benefit of humanity.
This site is going through some sort of rejuvenation process which I hope works because maybe someone in a similar situation to the one I was in when I joined, can be helped just as much.
Anyway, I'm doing my event tomorrow, posting about it on my website, probably making a forum post on here about it (I'm anticipating failure because of the olympics currently going on and the medals being given out tomorrow when I'm out there- here's to the hope that team GB fails every event today meaning no one will be staying at home to watch the medal ceremonies and instead in town giving money to savethechildren) ... then I'll be going quite dark on the site. I'll be lurking in the shadows of my mobile internet, unable to make large posts or comments or use the chat, but I'll be watching ;) I will still be online properly now and again, but for the next couple of weeks, I won't be on here daily like more recently as I'll be visiting friends a lot while my gf is on holiday for a fortnight and I also search for somewhere for us to live when we move (although we're definitely moving as my gf is going to university, we still have no actual place to live... plenty of places available and we got the money though :D ... I hope)
Dammit this post got long and rambly...it was supposed to be a tale of depression turning to triumph turning to an inspiring story of how you can be awesome too if you use this site xD ended up as my usual rambly crap, hopefully you enjoyed reading if you read much at all :)