Scientific Research & Self-Development Activism
My last big forum thread caused a big fuss because I seemed to be complaining a lot about my life. I apologise for coming off so negative- it wasn't intentional, I was meant to be venting and putting those things out so I can focus on being rid of them. This post is going to be split into three sections: work, website and personal part.
As you may well know from my previous posts, I work in a supermarket at night, 3 nights a week, devoting other time to developing a website and looking for a job I'd hate less or get more money from so I can save up to go to university. Working 3 nights messes up your sleep pattern and I have been doing overtime recently too meaning I just stay in "night mode" all week. I don't have any time to see my friends who go to university during the day when I'm asleep and can't see me at night because they have work to do for university (although I'll be going this week- read on). I have very little time to see my girlfriend too (luckily she lives 10 mins drive away and has her own car whereas my friends are an hour journey walking and trains away). I have mentioned before that I was looking for other jobs and in my last blog post I announced I had a job interview. I got the job! Unfortunately it is only temporary and after christmas I would be unemployed. Luckily, it doesn't conflict with my current shifts at my supermarket job and doesn't differ too much from my current sleeping pattern. However, this means working 6 nights a week thus removing any time to work on my website, see my friends, catch up on sleep or have a full date with my girlfriend (my night off Sunday is the only day her family requires her to be at home for most the day- they're not religious, her father works in another part of the country and is only home on weekends). There isn't much chance that this new job will be able to take me on permanently after January so I have to keep this job but at least it's new experience and some extra money towards funding the site and university.
So the website has progressed a little more than it usually does at the moment (art is a pain in the arse for me). I've done the main site logo (although it's kinda crappy and I'll be asking a friend (possible site co-founder) to have a go at my idea and see if he can make it more like how I imagine it in my head. I'm also looking at something called "squarespace" which basically builds and hosts a site for you with your designs (although not looked into it too much) and all the necessary architecture to have forums and blogs and site members with various levels of access for certain members like admins and such. I was just going to try and write all that stuff myself but with absolutely no knowledge or experience of web design, I know it will be ridiculously hard and I want the site up and running by 2012.
I am starting to feel quite sure that my own mother hates me as she always calls me a disappointment, the only one in the family to turn out like my father (probably the worst thing you can say to someone who was abused by their father) and bla bla bla. I try to block it out but it depresses me and makes me angry. She says I need to move out, I want to move out anyway, she wants to kick me out, I can afford a flat but nowhere will let me move because I'm too young and have no credit history. I could disown them and we'd all probably be happier but I have no father and my mother, stepfather and sister are the only family I have left and I want to have my kids have grandparents. On the other hand, they treat me so poorly after all the work I do (see my last post about my schedule), would I even trust them to not mentally abuse my kids like they do me? Basically, I'm scared of getting thrown out on to the streets because my mum thinks I should give her all the money I earn and just not go to university and fund her business she just launched. I'm also scared of how happy the thoughts of never having to see them again make me. It makes me feel like a bad person, it makes me feel like I'm insane because I'm not sure what is right or wrong because I'm told by everyone except when I'm at home that I'm good and kind and well-mannered. It seriously makes me think that I'm crazy sometimes and on the days where I'm majorly stressed out I hear people screaming in my head and I get migraines. I told you this bit was personal. I don't know how it would look to people if I said I have no family and they ask why and I said I left them because they didn't care about me. Would anyone believe me? If I say they're abusive everyone automatically thinks of violence and I don't want people to think that bad of them in case they care enough to take revenge on my behalf or something stupid. If I say mentally abusive then they might not think that's a good enough reason for my leaving. I feel like I live 3 different lives. At work I'm respected but not an individual and I'm unhappy. At home I'm depressed and hide away and try to escape into my online world or gaming or working on the website and looking for jobs and places to live. Online I am respected as an individual, sociable and intelligent, working and fun- happy. I don't feel like I have much of a life outside of that right now and it won't change until after this year is over...