Working full-time double-time over-time all-the-time

Hey guys,

 

My last big forum thread caused a big fuss because I seemed to be complaining a lot about my life. I apologise for coming off so negative- it wasn't intentional, I was meant to be venting and putting those things out so I can focus on being rid of them. This post is going to be split into three sections: work, website and personal part.

 

Work

As you may well know from my previous posts, I work in a supermarket at night, 3 nights a week, devoting other time to developing a website and looking for a job I'd hate less or get more money from so I can save up to go to university. Working 3 nights messes up your sleep pattern and I have been doing overtime recently too meaning I just stay in "night mode" all week. I don't have any time to see my friends who go to university during the day when I'm asleep and can't see me at night because they have work to do for university (although I'll be going this week- read on). I have very little time to see my girlfriend too (luckily she lives 10 mins drive away and has her own car whereas my friends are an hour journey walking and trains away). I have mentioned before that I was looking for other jobs and in my last blog post I announced I had a job interview. I got the job! Unfortunately it is only temporary and after christmas I would be unemployed. Luckily, it doesn't conflict with my current shifts at my supermarket job and doesn't differ too much from my current sleeping pattern. However, this means working 6 nights a week thus removing any time to work on my website, see my friends, catch up on sleep or have a full date with my girlfriend (my night off Sunday is the only day her family requires her to be at home for most the day- they're not religious, her father works in another part of the country and is only home on weekends). There isn't much chance that this new job will be able to take me on permanently after January so I have to keep this job but at least it's new experience and some extra money towards funding the site and university.

 

Website

So the website has progressed a little more than it usually does at the moment (art is a pain in the arse for me). I've done the main site logo (although it's kinda crappy and I'll be asking a friend (possible site co-founder) to have a go at my idea and see if he can make it more like how I imagine it in my head. I'm also looking at something called "squarespace" which basically builds and hosts a site for you with your designs (although not looked into it too much) and all the necessary architecture to have forums and blogs and site members with various levels of access for certain members like admins and such. I was just going to try and write all that stuff myself but with absolutely no knowledge or experience of web design, I know it will be ridiculously hard and I want the site up and running by 2012.

 

Personal

I am starting to feel quite sure that my own mother hates me as she always calls me a disappointment, the only one in the family to turn out like my father (probably the worst thing you can say to someone who was abused by their father) and bla bla bla. I try to block it out but it depresses me and makes me angry. She says I need to move out, I want to move out anyway, she wants to kick me out, I can afford a flat but nowhere will let me move because I'm too young and have no credit history. I could disown them and we'd all probably be happier but I have no father and my mother, stepfather and sister are the only family I have left and I want to have my kids have grandparents. On the other hand, they treat me so poorly after all the work I do (see my last post about my schedule), would I even trust them to not mentally abuse my kids like they do me? Basically, I'm scared of getting thrown out on to the streets because my mum thinks I should give her all the money I earn and just not go to university and fund her business she just launched. I'm also scared of how happy the thoughts of never having to see them again make me. It makes me feel like a bad person, it makes me feel like I'm insane because I'm not sure what is right or wrong because I'm told by everyone except when I'm at home that I'm good and kind and well-mannered. It seriously makes me think that I'm crazy sometimes and on the days where I'm majorly stressed out I hear people screaming in my head and I get migraines. I told you this bit was personal. I don't know how it would look to people if I said I have no family and they ask why and I said I left them because they didn't care about me. Would anyone believe me? If I say they're abusive everyone automatically thinks of violence and I don't want people to think that bad of them in case they care enough to take revenge on my behalf or something stupid. If I say mentally abusive then they might not think that's a good enough reason for my leaving. I feel like I live 3 different lives. At work I'm respected but not an individual and I'm unhappy. At home I'm depressed and hide away and try to escape into my online world or gaming or working on the website and looking for jobs and places to live. Online I am respected as an individual, sociable and intelligent, working and fun- happy. I don't feel like I have much of a life outside of that right now and it won't change until after this year is over...

Views: 149

Comment by The Shiznit on November 11, 2011 at 2:55pm

But srsly - you do have a great talent for writing, Tom.  I always enjoy reading your posts.

And don't let the critics get you down. If you don't stir up a fuss on here once in a while, then you're not active enough.  :-)

Comment by Nicko on November 11, 2011 at 10:01pm

Man you need to chill the hell out, don't take everything so serious.. especially when it is.
Take a look around you, as you say you're known to be kind, well mannered and so on, thats a great plus. You got a girlfriend you can talk to, also a great plus. Your able to push yourself hard enough to work 6nights a week to save up for university, a VERY big plus cause it says alot about your work ethics, especially considering you hate your job.. I also work at a supermarket btw, 5days a week so I can relate alittle.. although I'm to laid back to actually hate it.. I just go with the flow ;)

Start pay attention to the good things in your life and less attention to the negative things. Figure out the things you don't like that u can do something about and do it, even if you're not able to do something about it like within a week.. which in most cases people are not, try and set a date for when you think you'll have fixed said issue.

Regarding your family situation I can also relate, I grew up with an overworked, short tempered and to times violent stepfather. Fucked me up in major ways for a long time, but nomatter how crazy it might seem I'm actually glad for it because Im happy about the person I am today and wouldn't want it any other way. I packed my bags one day and just left on impulse, what people think of that I couldn't give less a shit about, I did what I felt was right, and since I dont regret that decission it taught me that doing what you feel is right even tho its crazy often is the right thing to do even so. Now Im not encouraging you to take off, but I am saying that you should do what you feel is right for you, and dont give a shit about what other people think of it. Be the man you want to be, not the man you think your friends/family etc want you to be.

Lastly, I don't have a masters degree about this stuff, but I did run off from home, I have lived on the streets and I have been through major shitstorms so I do atleast have some experience. So if you feel like my advice makes sense, don't be shy to ask for more.  

Comment by SparTom007 - Tom on November 12, 2011 at 10:26am

@Shiz

Hey man, thanks xD I'm looking forward to my site being up and running for a while cos eventually I want to do live videos in which I can try my hand at writing a script for the first time :P


@Maikel

My walk to and from work is about 45 minutes outside during which I get to blast music in my headphones and enjoy nature :) I get plenty of fresh air compared to most people that have similar hobbies to me :P In winter when it snows and is icey and stuff I will still have to walk to work too :\ not looking forward to it too much :P

 

@Nicko

Hey man, I guess I failed at trying to complain less but I am more laidback than I seem here lol. I was really meant to just be kinda updating iPower with my progress in life and SDA or w/e. I do enjoy some things in life, I'm just extremely inpatient because I'm tired of not enjoying my life like most people I can. I could easily give up on going to university and just settle but I want more in life. It's hard for me to settle because I've had a hard childhood and not really enjoyed anything too much for various reasons. I know the vast majority of people always say they miss their childhood because they were carefree but I never felt carefree, always pressured for things I didn't understand and I don't mind responsibilities of being an adult, I just hate that I seem to have more responsibilties pushed on to me than I feel I deserve eg my mother is starting to try and imply that I am responsible for my sister and paying for food in the house.

Also, all my friends think I should leave but none of them can help me leave. They have offered for me to live with them but they are students and live in Manchester which is a train and 2 buses from work and expensive journey. I don't want them to have to pay for me or anything, I want to do this by myself. The problem is, my parents are two-faced and no one would ever believe me when they meet her and they make me feel stupid and crazy, so much that I start to believe myself I am going insane. I only feel myself with my friends, I even feel more like myself at work than at home because I don't have to be the person my parents want which makes me angry and depressed at home.

I won't live on the streets at any point, my parents can only kick me out with police coming to remove me now with a warrant and council permissions with a guarantee that they would provide me accommodation or w/e because I'm under 21 and can't yet claim any housing benefits. I spent a couple of nights on streets a couple of months ago, one of worst times in my life just walking around trying to stay warm while I waited for my friends come from their homes when they got up to come keep me company and try to buy their new house quicker so I had somewhere to stay. I don't want to run away in case people don't understand and think I'm a coward for leaving home. I care less and less that we're related. I just take what they do as lessons on what not to do for my own children. They used to me good parents when I was very young and as I grew up, from like primary school, they started to care less about us and more about their own pride. I was like a trophy, then a failure, now a possible source of income.

Comment by Relisa Young on November 16, 2011 at 5:22pm

Well, look @ the bright side, You'll be able to put some extra money in your pockets for the time being. Yes, unfortunately you sacrifice more time in order to reach closer to your goals but hold on to the bigger picture. Unfortunately since most of us who are employed by big companies are sadly paid in linear income. We trade our valuable time for money. I personally wouldn't worry too much about spending too much time on your relationships (friends, family and gf) only because if they support you than they should understand what your trying to accomplish. it's the sacrifice we make :-(

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